HUMOR AND WIT DAY 4

I went to the butcher’s shop the other day and bet him $100 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Alf: “Can you do anything that other people can’t?”
Sam: “Why, yes. I can read my own handwriting.”

“Have you any idea what you want?” asked the husband of his wife as she shopped.
“Yeah,” she answered, “I want to get one of those exquisite drop-dead mink coats.”
“A drop-dead mink coat?” asked her husband “What the devil is dead?”
“Well,” explained his wife, “when we get home the neighbor will drop dead when they see it!”

“When I drink, everybody drinks!” yelled a man in the tavern as he summoned everyone to the bar.
When he finished his whisky, he shouted again, “When I take another drink, everybody takes another drink!”
Again, everybody gradually drank up. When the man downed his second drink, he took two dollar bills out of his wallet and slapped them down on the bar. “When I pay,” he bellowed, “everybody pays!”

A married business executive had to make up a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend:”Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”
His friend was quick to wire back: “Your wife and I arriving tomorrow at 11:30. How long have you known about us?

Herb and Jim are sitting at their favorite bar sharing a pitcher. Herb, noticing Jim’s solemn expression, asks what’s wrong. Jim grabs his stomach and shakes his head. “Now that I’m getting fatter I am starting to understand what it means to live with imperfection.”
“Starting!” Herb exclaimed. “What do you call those twenty years of marriage?”

I asked a colleague of mine how he liked the shirt his daughter had given him as a gift. “The color and the design are nice,” he said, “but the sleeves are three inches too long.”
I suggested that perhaps it was made for a much taller man.
“I don’t think so,” he said, “If I stand on my toes, it still fits the same.”

Q: What does a banana say when it meets an elephant?
A: Nothing. A banana can’t talk!

Copyright 2007 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR & WIT DAY 3

A tourist was visiting Grand Canyon. While gazing at the dinosaur bones that were everywhere, he met an elderly Indian who acted as an unofficial guide.

“How old are these bones?” asked the tourist.
“Exactly one hundred million and six years old,” was the Indian’s reply.
“How can you be so definite?” inquired the tourist.
“Oh, a geologist told me they were one hundred million years old,” replied the Indian, “and that was exactly six years ago,”

On their first date, a man asked his companion if she’d like a drink.
“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday class?” she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
“Okay,” his date replied.
“What will you tell your Sunday school class?” he asked, shocked.
“The same thing I always tell them, “You don’t have to drink or smoke to have a good time.”

The easiest way to meet your neighbors is to play the stereo full blast at 3 a.m.

After one drink he felt ten years younger. After the second drink he felt like a new man. After the third drink he felt like a baby…. And crawled all the way home.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
“Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.
Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.
“Go to the theater.”

A door-to-door salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a ten year old boy puffing on a long black cigar.
Amazed, the salesman stammered, “Uh, are your parents home?”
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked off the ashes and asked, “What do you think, dude?”

While attending a wedding reception of a friend, my husband and I stood watching as the happy couple opened their lovely gifts. As we saw a series of kitchen utensils, cookware, a dining service and a spice rack appear, my husband commented, “Well, they got all the right things, but what they really need is a gift certificate for groceries from the local market.” I replied that a more thoughtful gift would be catering service for a year. At that, my husband quipped, “True. But wouldn’t that just be postponing the inedible?”

Copyright 2007 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR & WIT DAY 2

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the cab, they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you one wish each,” the genie said.
Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, “I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries.” And, poof, he was gone.
The junior manager couldn’t keep quiet. He shouted, “I want to be in Miami, with beautiful girls, food and cocktails.” And, poof, he was gone.
Finally, it was the boss’s turn. “I want those idiots back in the office after lunch.”

A stranger entered the building and asked a boy standing in the lobby, “Can you tell me where Mr. John lives?”
The young man smiled and replied pleasantly, “Yes, sir. I’ll show you.”
Twelve flights up the boy pointed out a room as that belonging to Mr. John.
The man pounded on the door repeatedly and, after no response, commented,
“He’s not here.”
“Oh, no, sir,” replied the boy. “Mr. John was downstairs waiting in the lobby.”

A keen gardener saw his neighbor planting razor-blades in his potato patch. Ever eager to learn something new, he called over the hedge, “What are you expecting to grow Alf?”
“Chips” was the reply.

The doctor put Sam through a lot of tests because of a paralysis in his legs.
“Look, Doc,” said Sam. “Place a glass of whiskey on the table over there.
If I don’t make it I’m helpless.”

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: ”Wash. Biol. Surv.” Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Mrs. Van der Bosh decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artists, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”
“But, Mam, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“True enough,” said Mrs. Van der Bosh. “If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry.”

The children were doing somersaults in the bedroom, and because they had never seen a backward somersault, I show them one. My eight-year-old son was anxious to see my acrobatics, so he knelt close to me on the floor. As I came over backward, my heel hit his eyes.
After school the next day, my wife asked my son if the teacher had commented on his black eyes, “Yes,” he replied.
“Did the teacher laugh when you told her your Dad was doing somersaults?” asked my wife. “I’d never tell anyone Dad was turning somersaults, “he declared. “I told everyone that he kicked me.”

Copyright 2007 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwith.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR & WIT DAY 1

An absent-minded man tied a string around his finger in the early afternoon to remind him when he got home that there was something he wanted to be sure to do. After dinner, while reading his paper, he noticed the string but couldn’t remember why he put it there. He decided if he sat up long enough, the reason for the string would come to him. And surely enough, around two o’clock in the morning it did – he wanted to go to bed early that night.


Mr. Handy was enraged when young Bob from next door began throwing stones at his greenhouse. ’I’ll teach you, you young imp of Satan!’ roared the furious neighbor. ‘I’ll teach you to throw stones at my greenhouse!’ ‘I wish you would,’ said the cheeky lad. ‘I’ve had three goes and I haven’t hit it yet!’

The Irishman was brought up before the judge.
‘Why were you drunk?’ the judge asked.
‘I was on a train with bad companions. Four teetotallers.’
‘They are the best company you can have.’
‘I don’t think so. I had a bottle of whiskey and had to drink it all by myself.’

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o’clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out of the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually,I think I’ve made up my mind….I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…”And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed up in fine evening wear and cheering for her.
They run up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied. “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the door of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered win garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, ”yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”

A man was stopped for speeding by a state trooper. As the officer approached, the man sighed and said, “It’s ironic! I was speeding but I wasn’t going anywhere. I’m retired and was just out for a spin –just to get out of the house – just taking a spin.”
The man was so forlorn that the officer relented, “Well, all right,” he said. “I’m not going to give you a citation this time.” Then he added, with a deep, authoritative voice, ”Go, and spin no more.”

Copyright 2007 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com