An absent-minded man tied a string around his finger in the early afternoon to remind him when he got home that there was something he wanted to be sure to do. After dinner, while reading his paper, he noticed the string but couldn’t remember why he put it there. He decided if he sat up long enough, the reason for the string would come to him. And surely enough, around two o’clock in the morning it did – he wanted to go to bed early that night.
Mr. Handy was enraged when young Bob from next door began throwing stones at his greenhouse. ’I’ll teach you, you young imp of Satan!’ roared the furious neighbor. ‘I’ll teach you to throw stones at my greenhouse!’
The Irishman was brought up before the judge.
‘Why were you drunk?’ the judge asked.
‘I was on a train with bad companions. Four teetotallers.’
‘They are the best company you can have.’
‘I don’t think so. I had a bottle of whiskey and had to drink it all by myself.’
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o’clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out of the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Actually,I think I’ve made up my mind….I prefer to stay in Heaven,” said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…”
They run up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied. “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the door of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered win garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, ”yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”
A man was stopped for speeding by a state trooper. As the officer approached, the man sighed and said, “It’s ironic! I was speeding but I wasn’t going anywhere. I’m retired and was just out for a spin –just to get out of the house – just taking a spin.”
The man was so forlorn that the officer relented, “Well, all right,” he said. “I’m not going to give you a citation this time.” Then he added, with a deep, authoritative voice, ”Go, and spin no more.”
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