HUMOR AND WIT DAY 30

Two teenagers are arrested. The police officer tells them they are entitled to one phone call. Some time later a man enters the station and asks for them. “I suppose you’re their lawyer,” says the officer.
“No,” the man replies. “I’m here to deliver the pizza.”

There are three ways in which a man can wear his hair: parted, unparted, departed.

Tom: “My neighbor is mad because my dog knows how to fetch the evening paper.”
John :“Why would that make your neighbor angry?”
Tom: “I don’t subscribe to the paper.”

An old Scot, on his deathbed, called his best friend, Jock to his side.
Old Scot : “I bin saving a bottle of fine whiskey, and when I’m gone I want you to sprinkle it on my grave.”
Jock : Och Aye, but would ye mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?”

Mr. Jones was sued by Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true.
“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig “Mrs. Johnson” with no fear of legal action.
Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the woodshed, with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there was as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes………
Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

A group of ministers and a salesman’s organization were holding conventions in the same hotel, and the catering department had to work at top speed serving dinners to both. The salesmen were having a spiked watermelon for dessert. But the chef discovered that it was being served to the ministers by mistake.
“Quick!” he commanded a waiter. “Bring it back!”
The waiter returned, reporting that it was too late. The ministers were already eating the liquor-spiced treat.
“Do they like it?” asked the chef.
“Don’t know,” replied the waiter, “but they’re putting the seeds in their pockets.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 29

Twenty years after leaving school, a woman moved back to her hometown. Needing dental work done, she quickly found a dentist in the phone book. There had been a tall, handsome boy in her class by the same name, she remembered as she made her appointment.
That morning, she spent extra time on her hair and put on a new dress, hoping to impress her classmate. When she saw him, however, she dismissed the thought. This balding man with the paunch was too old to have graduated with her.
Nevertheless, on her way out, she asked, “Did you graduate from the local school?”
“Yes,” he replied. “Class of ’84,”
“You were in my class!” she said.
“Really? What did you teach?”

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, “Let’s get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place.”

Mr. Ursini stood on the bridge ready to jump. As he was poised on the brink of disaster. Father Callahan came to see him.
“My son, please come down from there. Nothing is worth dying for.”
“Is that so!” challenged Mr. Ursini, “My neighbor….remember when he ran off with my wife?”
“Yes,” said the priest, “but that was over a year ago. You’ve gotten over that.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Because.” Replied Mr. Ursini. “he called me this morning to say he’s bringing her back.”

Fred was having trouble with a drinking problem and swore that he would correct it with will-power. He had decided to walk straight past the pub without going in.
As he approached it he kept repeating to himself “You can do it. You can do it.”
The pressure was tough, but Fred persevered. Right past he went.
Fifty meters past and he congratulated himself, “I knew you could do it. You were great. Let’s go back and I’ll buy you a drink.”

As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “George, honey, I just heard on the news that there’s some maniac in a car going the wrong way on 95…. Please be careful!”
“Heck, Louise,” said George, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the policy at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch. Shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I came home to find all my possession stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

Being questioned for jury duty in a small town, a little old lady was asked if she knew the defense lawyer.
“Yes,” she snapped. “He’s a crook.”
“And the plaintiff’s lawyer?”
“Yes – he’s a crook too!”
The judge promptly called both lawyers to the bench and whispered, “If you ask her if she knows me, I’ll fine you both for contempt of court.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 28

Henry was placed in front of the firing squad, and just before the order to shoot was given, he yelled out, “Earthquake!” Everyone panicked. In the confusion, Henry jumped over the wall and escaped.
Charlie was next, and while the squad reassembled, he pondered what Henry had done. Before they could shoot, he shouted, “Tornado!” Again, the squad scattered and Charlie slipped away to safety.
Last in line was George. He thought, I see the pattern here. Just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles and took aim, George grinned smugly and yelled, “Fire!”

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery recently. Suddenly on contemporary painting caught her eye.
“What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.”
“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”

The farmer met his kin at the railroad station. “Uncle, I’m mighty glad to see you,” he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take ‘em out and they ran all over the place. I chase ‘em through my neighbor’s yard and only got back eleven.”
“You did okay,” said uncle. “I only sent you six.”

A man who celebrated a little too much one night woke up in the hospital the next day and saw his best friend sitting beside his bed.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Well,” began the friend, “it was like this. Last night you had quite a lot to drink, you walked over to the window, stepped over the sill, and announced you were going to fly around the town.”
“And you didn’t try to stop me?” screamed the patient. “What kind of a friend are you?”
“What are you screaming about? Last night I thought you could do it!”

In the middle of a forest there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, “My God! Please give this bear some religion!”
Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, “My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive….”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

Our family was touring a historic mansion, where the guide was especially enthusiastic about its many charms. “This house is over a hundred years old,” she commented proudly,” and not a post or a beam in it has been repaired.”
A visitor spoke up, “I’m sure we’ve got the same landlord.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 27

Ten men and one woman are hanging on to a rope that extends down from a helicopter. The weight of 11 people is too much for the rope, so the group decides one person has to jump off.
No-one can decide who should go, until finally the woman volunteers. She gives a touching speech, saying she will sacrifice her life to save them, because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children.
When she finishes speaking….all the men start clapping.

Two girls at the beach were admiring the passing scene, which included an athletic chap, who was strutting his best.
“That’s my kind,” said one.
“Well, I don’t know,” the other replied. “I had a friend who married a man who owned a two-car garage, but he just keeps a bicycle in it.”

The apartment was vacant but the landlord was very fussy about who it was rented to. One day a young chap appeared.
“Any children, radios, phonographs, cat, dogs or pets or any kind?” asked the landlord.
“No.” the young man answered. “But I think I ought to tell you I have a fountain pen that scratches a little.”

The lush staggered into the bar and asked for a jigger of whiskey an a jigger of water. While the mystified bartender watched, the drunk reached into his vest pocket and produced a worm, which he dropped into the jigger of water. The worm swam contentedly around in the water.
Then the lush took the worm out of the water and dropped it into the jigger of whiskey. Instantly, the worm began to wriggle frantically and in a few short moments it was dead.
“There!” roared the drunk triumphantly. “Did you see that? It proves what I always thought - drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms!”

An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. “What are you doing?” the visitor asked.
The sick lawyer replied, “Looking for loopholes.”

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep.
Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who created the Universe?” The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, “My God!”
The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who died on the cross for you?” She pokes her husband and he screams, “Jesus Christ!”
The third time, the preacher asks, “And what did Eve say to Adam the second time she was pregnant?”
The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, “By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it OFF!”

When a woman stopped at the liquor store to buy some champagne for a wedding gift, the clerk asked to see her ID. “But I’m twenty-nine years old,” she protested. “I can show you pictures of my three sons to prove it.”
Unimpressed, the clerk replied:” I don’t give a damn if you’re 290 years old or how many sons, grandsons, and great grandsons and great great grandsons you have lady! Let’s show some ID, shall we? How about a driver’s license?”
Rummaging through her purse, she took out rubber worms, a matchbox car, a set of baby keys, an old sock, a smashed pack of bubble gum and a ball. But she couldn’t find her license.
“Forget it,” the clerk said suddenly. “Only a mother or a grandmother would have that kind of collection in her purse.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 26

A bill from his lawyer arrived on Tom’s doorstep one morning. It read: ”For crossing the road to discuss your case: $45. For the re-crossing the road on discovering it wasn’t you: $45.”

A lady, traveling in a group determined to outdo one another in their search for antiques, one day called upon the leader and excitedly remarked: ”I cam across something marvelous. An archaeologist friend sent me the very cup from which Socrates drank the hemlock.”
“Are you sure it’s authentic?” gasped the pace-setter.
“Authentic?” repeated the woman. “Why when they dug it up it was marked 350 B.C.”

On the eve of his transfer to Rome, the Irish priest paid a visit to the Kellys who had been childless for six years, promising to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
Thirteen years later, he returned to Ireland, dropped in on the Kellys and found nine children romping round the house.
Congratulating Mrs. Kelly on her fruitfulness, the priest looked around and asked, “But where is Mr. Kelly?”
“Sean?” the haggard woman said. “Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle.”

Megan, a beautiful woman is working her first night and two male customers on at either end of the bar, keep asking her to go out. Megan wants nothing to do with either one of them. Towards the end of the night one guy slips her a piece of paper with his address written on it and his house key. She takes the paper and the key and whispers to the guy, “Get into bed, turn out all the lights, and I’ll be there at midnight.”
Then she goes to the other end of the bar and hands the paper and the key to the other guy and says, “Meet me here at midnight. I’ll be in bed with the lights out.”

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with “the boys.” He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he’d “be home by midnight….promise!”
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she’d probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, “12 o’clock, dear!” Whew! Got away with that one!
“Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock,” she says over her morning coffee.
“Why is that?” the husband asks.
“Well, it cuckooed three times, said “shoot”, cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled.”

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. “Excuse me sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?”
“Ah, that’s a beautiful piece,” the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.”
“My God!” the man exclaimed. “That’s a lot of money!”
“Yes, but a diamond is forever.”
“Perhaps,” the gentleman replied, “But my marriage won’t last that long!”

A gangster rushed into a saloon, shooting right and left, yelling, “All you dirty skunks get outta here!”
The customers fled – except for an Englishman, who stood at the bar calmly finishing his drink. “Well?” snapped the gangster, waving his gun.
“Well,” said the Englishman, “there certainly were a lot of them, weren’t they?”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 25

Two men were talking about hiring staff. “I’m a baker,” said one. “When I hire somebody, I let them eat as much as they want for the first couple of weeks. After a while, they are so sick of cakes, they couldn’t eat one even if they tried.”
“It’s a bit more complicated for me said the other man. “I’m a banker.”

The lady was trying to impress those at the party. “My family’s ancestry is very old,” she said. “It dates back to the days of King John of England.” Then turning to a lady sitting quietly in a corner she asked condescendingly: ”How old is your family, my dear?”
“Well,” said the woman with a quiet smile, “I can’t really say. All our family records were lost in the Flood.”

A simple-minded chap was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, “Hello, Jimmy, where are you going with that table?”
And Jimmy replied, “I am taking it to the drapers shop to have it measured for a new tablecloth.”

Pete orders a glass of whiskey. He takes a sip of his drink and spits it out. “This stuff is terrible,” he says to the bartender.
“I don’t know what you are complaining about,” says the bartender. “You only got a shot. I’ve got twenty cases of the stuff.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, “Olga! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
The other lady replied: ”Relax, nobody is going to get killed, ok? Must I always remind you that this is Russia? Red always means “go” and green always means “stop”, you fool!”

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
FBI: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello, is this FBI?”
FBI: “Yes. What do you want?”
Caller: “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”
FBI: “This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Sure they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into a movie, once into the baseball park and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 24

Holidaying in Arizona, a group of tourists spotted a cowboy lying by the side of the road with his ear pressed to the ground.
“What’s going on?” they asked the man.
“Two horses – one chestnut, one grey – are pulling a wagon with two men,” he said. “One man is wearing a red shirt, the other a black shirt. They’re heading east.”
“Wow!” said one tourist. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“No!” he replied, “They just ran over me.”

Q: “How do you keep a fool in suspense?”
A: “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

Q: “What’s the heaviest thing in the world?”
A: “Sh__, even Samson drops it!”

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Aaron “I challenged Larry to a duel. And you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair”
“I know, but I never thought he’d he’d choose his sister!”

Joe has a drink in a bar and leaves the waitress a tip of three dimes. The next night he comes in again and the waitress says to him, “I can tell your fortune by the tip you left last night.”
“Really?” says Joe. “Tell me.”
“All three dimes were in a row, which shows you are neat,” says the waitress. “And the first dime shows you are thrifty. The second dime shows that you are a bachelor,”
“What does the third dime show?” asks Joe.
“That dime shows that your father was a bachelor, too.”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture!”

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled: “Hey Juan!” …… A soldier jumped up and replied “What?” The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out: “Hey, John!”
An American replied: “John isn’t here…… is that you Juan?” The Mexican general stood up, “Yeah?!”…….

The self-made tycoon was bragging about the secret of his success. “I’ve always had the theory that salary is the least important part of the job,” he said. “Doing things wholeheartedly to the peak of your ability brings you greater satisfaction than money.”
“And you became rich after you convinced yourself that this was true?” asked the reporter.
“No. After I convinced the people who worked for me.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com