A civil servant was hiking when he came upon a shepherd tending a large flock. The official took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd, “If I can guess how many there are, may I have one?” The shepherd thought it unlikely the man would guess the exact number so he agreed.
The public servant guessed, “You have 359 sheep.” The shepherd was astonished, since this was exactly right.
“Can I pick out my sheep now?” asked the bureaucrat. The shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. Selecting one, the civil servant slung it over his shoulders to carry home.
The shepherd got an idea. “If I guess your occupation,” he said, “may I have my sheep back?” The bureaucrat was surprised, but figured there was little chance of the shepherd guessing correctly, so he went along. “You’re a bureaucrat,” announced the shepherd.
Amazed, the public servant asked, “How did you know?”
The shepherd replied, “Put the dog down and we’ll talk about it.”
Ronald Reagan was 69 years old when he ran for President in 1980. Despite continual criticism, he won the election and never passed up an opportunity to use humor when referring to his age.
Reagan delighted audiences with comments about his age. On one occasion, he said, “And I want to say that I don’t mind at all any of the jokes or remarks about my age, because Thomas Jefferson made a comment about the Presidency and age.
He said that one should not worry about one’s exact chronological age in reference to his ability to perform one’s task. And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”
Perhaps one of the most memorable events concerning his age occurred during a televised debate between Ronald Reagan and Walter Mondale in 1984 Presidential Campaign.
Reagan was sure the issue of age had been put to rest during his four years of Presidency. However, a reporter surfaced the issue by asking Reagan if he was too old to serve another term.
Reagan was prepared and responded in such a way as to quiet even his greatest critics. “I’m not going to inject the issue of age into this campaign,” Reagan began, “I am not going to exploit for political gain my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”
He was a young father, wheeling the pram through the gardens while the baby was screaming its head off. “Take it easy Jason,” he said calmly, “there’s nothing to fuss about.”
A middle-aged woman noticed his soothing manner and marveled at the new breed of young husbands.
When the baby screamed even louder she heard him say, “Cool it, Jason, don’t get excited lad, cool it soon.”
Touched by his gentle manner the woman leaned into the pram and cooed.
“There, there, Jason. What’s bothering you?”
“Excuse me, lady,” said the father, “that’s Jeremy. I’m Jason.”
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men at the bar asked him what happened.
“I did a horrible thing,” sobbed out the drunk. “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of scotch.”
“That is awful,” said the other guy, “and now she’s gone and you want her back, right?”
“Right,” said the drunk, still crying.
“You’re sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love her, right?”
“Oh, no,” said the drunk. “I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready….
We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back…..”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, Two days later….St. Peter got a call. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll go it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a carton of beer.
Charlie says,”Where did you get that, Bill?”
“Steve’s wife gave it to me.”
“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer.”
Bill says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Steve’s widow.”
She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”
And I said, “Wanna bet me a carton of beer?”
A man played golf every Saturday and always got home around two in the afternoon. One Saturday, however, he rushed in at 7:30 p.m. and blurted to his wife, “I left the course at the normal time, but on the way home I stopped to change a flat tire for a young woman. She offered to buy me a drink, one thing led to another, and we spent the entire afternoon in a motel. I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again.”
“Don’t hand me that hogwash,” the angry wife shouted.
“You played 36 holes, didn’t you?”
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