Judge : “Defendant, did the burglary take place the way the prosecuting attorney described it?”
Defendant : “No, it didn’t, but his plan isn’t bad either. Its execution needs a bit of improvisation though!”
An elderly man when passing a building in the outskirt of a town, noticed a sign which read: “Home for Incurable Children.” To an accompanying friend, he remarked, “They’ll get me in there some day.”
Dad : “But why did you drop your baby brother on the floor?”
Daughter : “Well, the neighbor said he was a bonny bouncing baby and I wanted to see if he really did bounce.”
A precocious ten-year-old walked into a bar and yelled to the waitress to bring him a scotch on the rocks.
“What do you want to do?” asked the waitress. “Get me in trouble?”
“Maybe later,” replied the ten-year-old, “but right now I’d like that drink.”
Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.
Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.
The first task was to set the poles. The supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to burry the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the supervisor that his team had set 48 poles. The supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done….
Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the supervisor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported that her team had set two poles for the day.
“What! Just, two!” exclaimed the supervisor. “Your team is way behind the Italians and the Irishmen!”
“It may be true that they buried more poles than us,” replied the Blonde. “But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!”
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be an orgy here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”
A family consisted of five active children, ages 10 to 19, when a new-born son, Nathan, arrived. It was a real challenge keeping the kids and their friends quiet during the baby’s naptime. That is until the husband posted: “Nathan’s sleeping! You wake him – you take care of him for the next seven days!”
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