A jungle witch doctor was called to treat a man with a high fever. He made a medicine with the eye of a toad, the liver of a snake, the heart of a rat, six black beetles and half a cockroach, all mixed together with slime from the local river.
The next day he went to see his patient and found him no better. “Oh dear,” said the witch doctor. “May be you had better try a couple of panadols.”
“Your name, please?” asked the registration officer.
“Waltzing Matilda,” answered the woman.
“And your age?” he pursued.
“Have the Misses Wood next door, given you their ages?” she asked, hesitantly.
“No,” said the officer.
“Well, then, I’m the same age as they.”
“That will do,” said the officer. Then, proceeding to fill out the form, he wrote,
“Waltzing Matilda, as old as the Woods.”
Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs Bronze said to her son. “Tommy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs Falkland is?”
A few minutes later, Tommy returned.
“Well,” asked Mrs Bronze, “is she all right?”
“She’s fine, except that she’s pissed at you.”
“At me?” Mrs Bronze exclaimed. “Whatever for?”
“She said it’s none of your business how old she is.”
“I’m against liquor. That was the cause of my father’s death.”
“Drank too much?”
“No. A case fell on his head.”
A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishing pole. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and moseys on over to the register. There is a K-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this here fishing pole?”
He says, “Ma’am I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. Then he said, “Well that there’s a 5’ graphite composite rod. Has a Maxor 202 reel with 12 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s yours for just $20 bucks.”
“That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. Sounds like what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it,” she says.
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind rather loudly…
Embarrassed at first, but then realizing that there is no way in the world he could tell it was she… being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “Well mam, “That’ll be $25.50.”
She protests, “But you said it was $20 bucks?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, that there rod and reel is $20 bucks, sure ‘nuff… and the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is our blue light special this hour, just $2.50!”
A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding. The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.
While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 13 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act, and he is a juggler.
The patrolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two on the side of the road. One of the men looks to the other man and says, “Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are tough!”
The photographer had been trying for hours to get some action shots of a bear who preferred to sleep in his cage. “What kind of bear is that?” he finally asked the zoo keeper. “Himalayan,” was the reply.
“I know that,” snarled the photographer. “What I want to know is when he is getting up.”
Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
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