HUMOR AND WIT DAY 26

A bill from his lawyer arrived on Tom’s doorstep one morning. It read: ”For crossing the road to discuss your case: $45. For the re-crossing the road on discovering it wasn’t you: $45.”

A lady, traveling in a group determined to outdo one another in their search for antiques, one day called upon the leader and excitedly remarked: ”I cam across something marvelous. An archaeologist friend sent me the very cup from which Socrates drank the hemlock.”
“Are you sure it’s authentic?” gasped the pace-setter.
“Authentic?” repeated the woman. “Why when they dug it up it was marked 350 B.C.”

On the eve of his transfer to Rome, the Irish priest paid a visit to the Kellys who had been childless for six years, promising to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
Thirteen years later, he returned to Ireland, dropped in on the Kellys and found nine children romping round the house.
Congratulating Mrs. Kelly on her fruitfulness, the priest looked around and asked, “But where is Mr. Kelly?”
“Sean?” the haggard woman said. “Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle.”

Megan, a beautiful woman is working her first night and two male customers on at either end of the bar, keep asking her to go out. Megan wants nothing to do with either one of them. Towards the end of the night one guy slips her a piece of paper with his address written on it and his house key. She takes the paper and the key and whispers to the guy, “Get into bed, turn out all the lights, and I’ll be there at midnight.”
Then she goes to the other end of the bar and hands the paper and the key to the other guy and says, “Meet me here at midnight. I’ll be in bed with the lights out.”

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with “the boys.” He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he’d “be home by midnight….promise!”
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she’d probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, “12 o’clock, dear!” Whew! Got away with that one!
“Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock,” she says over her morning coffee.
“Why is that?” the husband asks.
“Well, it cuckooed three times, said “shoot”, cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled.”

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. “Excuse me sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?”
“Ah, that’s a beautiful piece,” the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.”
“My God!” the man exclaimed. “That’s a lot of money!”
“Yes, but a diamond is forever.”
“Perhaps,” the gentleman replied, “But my marriage won’t last that long!”

A gangster rushed into a saloon, shooting right and left, yelling, “All you dirty skunks get outta here!”
The customers fled – except for an Englishman, who stood at the bar calmly finishing his drink. “Well?” snapped the gangster, waving his gun.
“Well,” said the Englishman, “there certainly were a lot of them, weren’t they?”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 25

Two men were talking about hiring staff. “I’m a baker,” said one. “When I hire somebody, I let them eat as much as they want for the first couple of weeks. After a while, they are so sick of cakes, they couldn’t eat one even if they tried.”
“It’s a bit more complicated for me said the other man. “I’m a banker.”

The lady was trying to impress those at the party. “My family’s ancestry is very old,” she said. “It dates back to the days of King John of England.” Then turning to a lady sitting quietly in a corner she asked condescendingly: ”How old is your family, my dear?”
“Well,” said the woman with a quiet smile, “I can’t really say. All our family records were lost in the Flood.”

A simple-minded chap was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, “Hello, Jimmy, where are you going with that table?”
And Jimmy replied, “I am taking it to the drapers shop to have it measured for a new tablecloth.”

Pete orders a glass of whiskey. He takes a sip of his drink and spits it out. “This stuff is terrible,” he says to the bartender.
“I don’t know what you are complaining about,” says the bartender. “You only got a shot. I’ve got twenty cases of the stuff.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, “Olga! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
The other lady replied: ”Relax, nobody is going to get killed, ok? Must I always remind you that this is Russia? Red always means “go” and green always means “stop”, you fool!”

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
FBI: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello, is this FBI?”
FBI: “Yes. What do you want?”
Caller: “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”
FBI: “This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Sure they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into a movie, once into the baseball park and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 24

Holidaying in Arizona, a group of tourists spotted a cowboy lying by the side of the road with his ear pressed to the ground.
“What’s going on?” they asked the man.
“Two horses – one chestnut, one grey – are pulling a wagon with two men,” he said. “One man is wearing a red shirt, the other a black shirt. They’re heading east.”
“Wow!” said one tourist. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“No!” he replied, “They just ran over me.”

Q: “How do you keep a fool in suspense?”
A: “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

Q: “What’s the heaviest thing in the world?”
A: “Sh__, even Samson drops it!”

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Aaron “I challenged Larry to a duel. And you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair”
“I know, but I never thought he’d he’d choose his sister!”

Joe has a drink in a bar and leaves the waitress a tip of three dimes. The next night he comes in again and the waitress says to him, “I can tell your fortune by the tip you left last night.”
“Really?” says Joe. “Tell me.”
“All three dimes were in a row, which shows you are neat,” says the waitress. “And the first dime shows you are thrifty. The second dime shows that you are a bachelor,”
“What does the third dime show?” asks Joe.
“That dime shows that your father was a bachelor, too.”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture!”

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled: “Hey Juan!” …… A soldier jumped up and replied “What?” The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out: “Hey, John!”
An American replied: “John isn’t here…… is that you Juan?” The Mexican general stood up, “Yeah?!”…….

The self-made tycoon was bragging about the secret of his success. “I’ve always had the theory that salary is the least important part of the job,” he said. “Doing things wholeheartedly to the peak of your ability brings you greater satisfaction than money.”
“And you became rich after you convinced yourself that this was true?” asked the reporter.
“No. After I convinced the people who worked for me.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 23

Browsing in a pet shop, a man sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string attached to its right leg. He asks the shop owner about the bird.
“This is a highly trained parrot,” the owner explains. “If you pull the red string, he speaks Russian, Cuban, North Korean, Vietnamese and all other languages spoken in communist countries. If you pull the green string he speaks English, Italian, Spanish, French and all other languages spoken in non-communist countries.”
“What happens if I pull both at once?” the man asks.
“I fall of my perch you fool!” screeches the parrot.

Sir Winston Churchill, whose fondness for drink was well known, was scheduled to make a speech before a small gathering.
The chairperson introduced him by saying:” If all the spirits consumed by Sir Winston were poured into this room, it would reach up to here on the wall.” He drew a line with his finger at about level with his eyes.
Churchill got up to speak. He glanced at the imaginary line on the wall. He looked up at the ceiling, and made a mathematical calculation with his fingers. Then he sighed and said, “Ah, so much to be done, and so little time in which to do it.”

A farmer gave his neighbor a lift into town. His truck was old and almost spring less and the country roads were very rough, so there was a lot of bouncing. As they finally stopped at their destination, the neighbor said, “Thanks for breaking all my bones mate, I hope someday I’ll be able to recuperate.”

A stranger in a pub orders a scotch on the rocks. After a few minutes, he starts argument with one of the regular customers. The bartender takes the man by the elbow and shows him the door.
“Sorry, sir, but I run a respectable establishment. Don’t ever come in here again!”
A few minutes later the man wanders in again, walks up to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender eyes him coldly and says, “You must have a double!”
The man says, “Yeah, make it a scotch.”

“Your honor,” a defense attorney began, “I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred.”
The Judge looked at the defense table and said, “This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies.”
The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, “Your honor, you must be mistaken. I’ve never been here in my life.”
Waving his finger, the judge replied, “I was referring to your lawyer.”

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack – and died.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ”Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – two with sausages and meatballs, two without.”

As a pop guitarist living in a small apartment, I was rehearsing one night when I heard my new next-door neighbor rapidly pounding on the wall. I turned down my amplifier, but still the pounding continued. Hoping to establish a friendly relationship, I stopped playing, walked over to her door and rang the bell so I could apologize.
“Oh, I’m so very sorry,” she said, looking frazzled as she opened her door and saw me standing there, “I only have one more picture to hang.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

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HUMOR AND WIT DAY 22

A man went to visit his doctor. “What’s your problem?” asked the physician.
“When I touch my leg, it hurts,” explained the man. “ And when I touch my arm and my head, it’s really painful too.”
“I see,” said the doctor. “I think you have a broken finger.”

A white-haired old man approached his doctor and said: “Doctor, I’m slowly going nuts over women. Is there any way to speed it up?”
“What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “If speed is all you want, just step on it my man.”

At the Woodland Hills home of Adam Hoffman, the connoisseur cat collector, a small boy’s head appeared over the fence.
“Eh, Adam,” said the boy in a meek voice, “could I please have my arrow back?”
“Sure,” said Hoffman, “where is it?”
“I think,” said the youngster, “it’s in one of your cats.”

A man was fumbling at his keyhole in the wee hours of the morning. A policeman saw the difficulty and came to the rescue.
“Can I help you to find the keyhole, sir?” he asked.
“Thash all right, old man,” said the man cheerily, “you just hold the house still and I can manage.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to “love, honor and obey’ and “forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,” I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks at the young man in the eyes and says:
“Will you promise to prostate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here , I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

A commercial flight was experiencing considerable turbulence. One first-time traveler began praying, “Lord,” he said, “I’m a rich man. If you just let this plane land safely, I’ll give you half of everything I own.”
The plane landed, and this gentleman was the first one off. In the terminal, a preacher tapped him on the shoulder. “Sir,” he said, “I was on that plane with you, and I heard your prayer. Well, I’m a man of cloth, and I’m here to collect.”
“I made the Lord a better offer,” the rich man said. “I told him if He ever catches me on a plane again, He can have it all.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 21

A junior partner in a low firm called his staff in for a meeting. “I have good news and bad news,” he said, grinning. “Which do you want first?” The staff groaned, agreed they’d better get the bad news first. “Okay,” said the junior partner, “we are going to downsize. Half of you won’t be here tomorrow. And the others may stay at a substantial reduction in salary.”
The staff stood in horrified shock. Finally, one asked in a trembling voice,
“What’s the good news?”
The boss beamed. “Half of you will still be here and I’ve been made a full partner!”

You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

Rosa and Rickey had been married only three months when she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. The proud grandmother was stopped on the street one day by one of her neighbors.
“Hey, I see your Rosa just had a baby after married only three months smirked and scoffed the neighbor.
“Are you surprised?” asked the new grandmother. “My Rosa is such an innocent girl, how would she know how long to carry a baby?”

A little man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer. He’s sitting there drinking his beer, minding his own business. Next to him sits a huge guy. All of a sudden the great big guy turns to him and, just whacks, knocks the little guy off the bar stool, across the floor, up against the wall.
The little fellow doesn’t know what hit him. He picks himself up and walks over to the bar stool and sits down. He turns to the big guy and says, “What on earth was that for?” The big guy says, “That was my karate, from Korea.”
The little fellow thinks, well this guy’s wacko. I’m going to finish my beer and get out of here. But all of a sudden the big guy turns on him again and, bang knocks the little fellow off the bar stool, across the floor, up against the wall.
The little fellow doesn’t know what hit him. He picks himself up and figures: This guy is definitely wacko. I’m going to finish my beer and get out of here.
“What was that for?” he asks. “That was my judo from Japan,” replies the brute.
The little fellow thinks, well, it’s time to exit. So he leaves.
About a half-hour later the little fellow peeks his head in the bar and the big guy is still sitting there. So he tiptoes up behind him and just goes wham!
The big fellow is down and out cold.
The bartender walks up to see what’s going on, and the little fellow looks at the bartender and says, “When that hulk comes to, you tell him that was my crowbar from K-Mart.”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said:” I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said:” I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said:” You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks…..
“Milton,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”
“And my dearest, Donald,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!”

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable.” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

To make ends meet, a woman decides to have a career outside the home. As a single parent juggling her responsibilities is not always easy. Her mother is helping by baby-sitting her 4-year old son, Tom, at her house one day.
When she stops to pick him up after work, her mom tells her that Tom has followed her into the bedroom as she put some things away in the closet.
“Grandma,” he asks, “what room is this?”
“This is a closet, Tom,” she replies.
“We don’t have a room like this in our house,” he says.
“Of course you do,” his grandma insists. “You have lots of closets at your home.”
When he again denies having closets at his house, grandma tries another tack.
“Where do you keep all your clothes?” grandma asks?”
“Well, they are just all over the house grandma,” replies Tom, “ some under the bed, some on the floor, some on my bed, some in the bathroom, some in the living room, some in the dinning room, some on the door, some on top of the cupboard, some hanging on the wall, some on the window sill, some even in our oven and fridge.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com