Browsing in a pet shop, a man sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string attached to its right leg. He asks the shop owner about the bird.
“This is a highly trained parrot,” the owner explains. “If you pull the red string, he speaks Russian, Cuban, North Korean, Vietnamese and all other languages spoken in communist countries. If you pull the green string he speaks English, Italian, Spanish, French and all other languages spoken in non-communist countries.”
“What happens if I pull both at once?” the man asks.
“I fall of my perch you fool!” screeches the parrot.
Sir Winston Churchill, whose fondness for drink was well known, was scheduled to make a speech before a small gathering.
The chairperson introduced him by saying:” If all the spirits consumed by Sir Winston were poured into this room, it would reach up to here on the wall.” He drew a line with his finger at about level with his eyes.
Churchill got up to speak. He glanced at the imaginary line on the wall. He looked up at the ceiling, and made a mathematical calculation with his fingers. Then he sighed and said, “Ah, so much to be done, and so little time in which to do it.”
A farmer gave his neighbor a lift into town. His truck was old and almost spring less and the country roads were very rough, so there was a lot of bouncing. As they finally stopped at their destination, the neighbor said, “Thanks for breaking all my bones mate, I hope someday I’ll be able to recuperate.”
A stranger in a pub orders a scotch on the rocks. After a few minutes, he starts argument with one of the regular customers. The bartender takes the man by the elbow and shows him the door.
“Sorry, sir, but I run a respectable establishment. Don’t ever come in here again!”
A few minutes later the man wanders in again, walks up to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender eyes him coldly and says, “You must have a double!”
The man says, “Yeah, make it a scotch.”
“Your honor,” a defense attorney began, “I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred.”
The Judge looked at the defense table and said, “This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies.”
The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, “Your honor, you must be mistaken. I’ve never been here in my life.”
Waving his finger, the judge replied, “I was referring to your lawyer.”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack – and died.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ”Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – two with sausages and meatballs, two without.”
As a pop guitarist living in a small apartment, I was rehearsing one night when I heard my new next-door neighbor rapidly pounding on the wall. I turned down my amplifier, but still the pounding continued. Hoping to establish a friendly relationship, I stopped playing, walked over to her door and rang the bell so I could apologize.
“Oh, I’m so very sorry,” she said, looking frazzled as she opened her door and saw me standing there, “I only have one more picture to hang.”
Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
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