HUMOR AND WIT DAY 16

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”

Ticket Seller: “You will have to pay for an adult ticket for your child, lady. He’s over twelve.”
Movie Goer: “How can he be over twelve when I’ve only been married for ten years?”
Ticket Seller: “I’m sorry ma’m, I just collect fares – not confessions.”

Recently U.S Tourism Board has advised Americans to take one week “Kangaroo and Crocodile Dundee English Course” before they visit Australia to avoid confusions when they talk to the Australians.
When someone says “What a good die to die maite!”, they are not wishing you to die. What they mean to say is “What a good day today sir!”
Name of days are pronounced as Mon-die, Tues-die, Wednes-die, Thurs-die, Fri-die, Satur-die, and Sun-die (instead of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday).
Once on a city tour, an American tourist (just bypassing) happen to mention the word Sunday and the tourist guide quickly pointing him to a nearby Dairy Queen when he can get some sundae!
On a summer vacation an American student works part-time in a supermarket and appointed as a supervisor. He says to his workers: “If you have any gripes bring them to me.” And the next day they brought him a bunch of grapes!

Frank got behind in his car payments and in an effort to shame him into paying the hire-purchase company wrote: “What would your neighbor think if we came and repossessed your car?”
He wrote back: “Dear Sirs, I took the matter up with my neighbors and they all reckon it would be a lousy trick.”

“You say you were drunk only once and it made a wreck of you?” asked the doctor.
“Yes,” said the patient. “I got married while I was drunk.”

Little Martha was Mommy’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Stumpy the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing…
“Martha, dear,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Stumpy’s place.”
“but, Mommy, I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Martha. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Montana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions….
Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.
Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That should be obvious,” he responded, “the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”

Driving home one day, my friend and I noticed a large sign pointing to an Open House. We decided to take a look. Inside we helped ourselves to wine and a buffet as other people look around. We both agreed that the house was cheap and badly designed, the kitchen was small, and the color scheme was dull. We mentioned to another couple that it was poky and dark, before going upstairs.
After looking in the bedroom closets, and criticizing the bathroom, we decided it was definitely not worth the asking price.
Halfway down the stairs, we froze in horror as someone came up the garden path holding a present. We suddenly realized that this was a house-warming party – the house for sale was next door!

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 15

A brawny professional wrestler was visiting his friend in a small town, and one night they stayed a little too long at the drinking hole. Not wanting to drive, they decided to walk home. As they were crossing a farmer’s field, a bull charged them. The wrestler grabbed the bull by the horns, and they went down in a roaring heap. Finally the bull jumped up and ran away.
“Wow,” said the friend, “that was quite a scuffle.”
“Yeah,” the wrestle replied, “and if I hadn’t had that last drink, I would have gotten that guy off his motorcycle!”

The age of some people, especially women, is like the speedometer on a used car – you know it’s set back but you don’t know how far.

A neighbor bumped into little Diana playing in the street well after dark.
“Hello, Diana,” said the neighbor. “Isn’t it time little girls were in bed?’
"I dunno,” said Diana. “I haven’t got any little girls.”

A nervous air hostess on a flight announced: “We don’t know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued. “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so that someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!”

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for a double-scotch on the rock right now!”
POOF! A double-scotch on the rock appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now feeling lighter on his feet, he states his second wish.
“I wish to be on an island where there are only beautiful women.”
POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF! He’s back in his government office.

Fred and his wife Margie went to the State Fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Margie, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Margie would say, “I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs twenty bucks, twenty bucks is twenty bucks.”
This one year Fred and Margie went to the fair and Fred said,” Look Margie, for God sake, I’m 79 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Margie replied, “Fred, that there airplane ride costs twenty bucks, and twenty bucks is twenty bucks.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s twenty bucks each.”
Fred and Margie agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls, and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Margie fell out, but twenty bucks is twenty bucks.”

A tearful woman called a weight-reducing salon to moan that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn’t get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added,
“Don’t worry, Madam, we’ll have you wearing that dress in no time.”
“Dress?” the woman sobbed. “It’s a Porsche!”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 14

Rosa went to a marriage counselor and pleaded for help. “I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I love him and he loves me. We like the same books, the same movies, the same TV shows. And when we’re not together, we’re both miserable.”
The counselor scratched his head. “Gee, it sounds like you two were made for each other,” he said. “What’s the problem?”
“The problem?” echoed Rosa. “The problem is what do I tell my husband!”

Lay Jone is concerned about truth in advertising. He says a lot of products are not as good as advertised. He says he bought a tube of Power Glue and the label fell off.

Charlie the cat was scampering all over the neighborhood down alley up fire escapes down cellars. A lady who knew Charlie’s owner knocked on his door.
“Your cat is running around like mad she said.”
“I know,” said the man. “He’s just been neutered and he’s rushing around cancelling engagement.”

Carson fancied himself as a liquor expert. One night at an Atlantic City bar he bet $200 that, blindfolded, he could taste any booze and identify the type and maker of it. Sam, the bartender, agreed and put the blindfold on Carson. The first drink was presented. Carson gulped half of it and said, “That’s easy. It’s a rye. Canadian Club.”
The bartender refilled the glass from another bottle, and Carson tasted.
“Uhhuh,”he said, “that’s Scotch.”
“But whose?” asked Sam. “Ballantine’s,” was the reply.
“Right again,” said Sam.
“How about this one?” Carson sipped and said, “Bourbon.”
“Whose?” Old Granddad.” The crowd applauded.
Sam went to the men’s room, returned shortly with a full glass and gave it to Carson to taste. “Oh” he exclaimed. “That’s urine.”
“Right,” said Sam. “But whose?”

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”
The rest is history…….

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband he protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn’t know what costume she’d be wearing, she thought she’d have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn’t around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to his time to this new babe who had just arrived.
She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, and so off they went! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, “You know, I didn’t dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

The warden explained to the condemned man that he could have anything he wanted for his last meal. “Would you like lobster? Filet mignon or beef Wellington? Maybe some caviar or shrimp cocktail?”
“Nah,” the prisoner said, “I’ll just have a bowl of mushrooms.”
“Why mushroom?” the warden asked.
“Always been afraid to eat them.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 13

The inmate was aware that all prison mail passes through censors. When he got a letter from his wife asking about the family garden – “Honey, when do I plant potatoes?” – he wrote back, “Do not, under any circumstances, dig up our old garden spot. That’s where I buried all my guns.”Within days his wife wrote back, “Six investigators came to the house. They dug up every square inch of the back yard.”By return mail she got his answer : “Now is the time to plant potatoes.”

A man who lives in the suburbs of Los Angeles and who works in the advertising department of a large metropolitan newspaper had never been able to figure out the deferential attitude, bordering on awe, of the children in the block towards him. Recently, he was walking around the block for a little stroll and he came upon a group of little boys discussing the newest American satellite as it hurtled through orbital space around the earth. As he paused to say hello to the youngsters, everything suddenly became clear when one of the boys said to him: “Are you really a space salesperson?”

Thompson was more than a little annoyed when a neighbor telephoned at 2 a.m. and complained, “Your dog is barking so loudly that I can’t sleep.”
The neighbor hung up before he could protest.
The following morning at 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 a.m., 5 a.m., and 6 a.m.,Thompson called his neighbor every morning for the next 7 days and said, “I don’t have a dog!”

A man in agitated state rushed into a pub. “Has anybody here got a large black cat with a white collar?” he asked.
Nobody answered. He tried again. “Does anybody have a large black cat with a white collar?” But still nobody answered.
“Oh dear,” he murmured. “I must have run over the preacher.”

A woman walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for her daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, she asks the shop assistant. In a condescending manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have….
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $29.95
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $29.95
Barbie Goes Shopping for $29.95
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $29.95
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $29.95
And Divorced Barbie for $ 2,995.”
The woman asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie $ 2,995 when all others are only $29.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says, “Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.”
Marv smiles and says, “Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?”
Bernie says, “You’ll going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?”
Marv grins again, “Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…”
“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife…
“Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?”

A steak fanatic, my friend always picks out cuts that include a bone because he loves to nibble on it. One night he and his wife were finishing their dinner at a steak-house, his wife could tell that he wanted to start gnawing on the bone. But he couldn’t bear to do so in public. “Excuse me,” he said, calling the waitress over, “ Would you please wrap this bone up for my dog?” My friend has never owned a dog in his life, but the white lie seemed a tactful solution for his dilemma. A few minutes later the waitress returned to his table.
“Here’s your bone, sir,” she said, handing over a large package. “And while I was in the kitchen, I grabbed a few more out of the scrap bucket.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 12

When Tom returned home from playing golf with Alf, his wife asked, “Why don’t you play with Jerry anymore?”
“Would you play with someone who swears when he misses the hole, cheats with the score, throws his clubs and moves the ball?” asked Tom.
“I suppose I wouldn’t,” she replied.
“Neither will Jerry.”

A manufacturer said he was going to cut down on his advertising to save money. To which his salesperson replied: “You might as well stop your watch to save time.”

Several boys camping out in a back-garden, wanted to know the time, so they began singing at the top of their voices. Eventually a neighbor threw open his window and shouted down at them, “Hey! Shut your stupid mouth before I shut your ugly face! Don’t you know what the time is? It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

The pub beer wasn’t very good. “If this beer had a head on it,” said the dissatisfied customer, “it would hang it in shame!”

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left… then to the right… right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was still ahead!”

After twenty five years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
“He is never in the mood,” complained the Bride.
“Try a romantic candlelight dinner,” suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. “He’s still not in the mood,” she complained.
“This time,” the therapist recommended, “try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom.”
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final of advice, the therapist said, “You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance.”
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. “Thank you so much,” she said to the therapist. “Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of he lightening storm. And right there, in your backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time.”
“Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?” asked the therapist.
“Well,” said the Bride of Frankenstein, “I tied a kite to his vital organ!”

A man walked into a credit office to pay the final installment on a baby crib. “Thank you,” the manager said. “And how is the baby today?”
“Oh,” the man replied, “I’m fine.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 11

Parents of a junior-high students are asked to fill in enrollment forms with such data as the student’s address, birth date, religion, etc. One question calls for, “Language spoken at home.” One form returned with the question answered, “You name it, we’ve got it – slang, broken, dirty, indecent, cursing, blasphemy, cuss, expletive, sarcastic, impolite, swearing, scolding. Take your pick!”

If matrimony makes people live beyond their means, advertising makes people buy things they don’t need, with the money they don’t have, to impress people they don’t like.

Mr. Thomson noticed his neighbor, Mr. Samgrandson, searching very hard for something in his front garden.
“Have you lost something, Mr. Samgrandson?” asked Mr. Thomson.
“Yes.” replied Mr. Samgrandson. “I have misplaced my glasses.”
Mr. Thomson asked, “Where did you last see them?”
“In my basement.” said Mr. Samgrandson.”
“In your basement?” queried Mr. Thomson. “So why are you looking for them in your garden?”
“Oh.” replied Mr. Samgrandson, ”there is more light out here in my garden!”

A drunk raced after a fire engine, but collapsed exhausted after a hundred yards.
“All right,” he shouted. “Keep your rotten ice-cream.”

A mangy-looking guy goes into a watering-hole and orders a drink. The bartender says “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says: “Only if what you show me ain’t lewd.”
“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says: “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.
The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

As she walked up the store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “ I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“On sale today, just one kiss per yard,” replied the young agent behind the counter.
“That’s fine,” replied the young lady, flashing a gorgeous smile, “I’ll take 12 yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, turned to go and pointed to a little old man chewing tobacco beside her.
“Grandpa will pay the bill,” she said.

An elderly couple went to Canada on a vacation. When they got there they phoned their children back in the USA to let them know they had arrived safely. The couple was excited about their travels and charmed by the old-world flavor of the city. The wife was particularly impressed at seeing and hearing the French language used almost exclusively. “Why,” she said, “it’s like being in another country.”

Q: What does a frog say when it sees a coin?
A: Grab it!

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 10

A mother wanted to send a parcel to his son at college. The post-office clerk asked if the package contained anything breakable. “Yes, your neck is breakable if you don’t see to it that this parcel is delivered to my son!”

Want ad: Secretary wants job; no bad habits; willing to learn.

Broggs: When are you going on your vacation?
Huggs : I don’t know. I’ve got to wait until the neighbors get through using my suitcase.

Moke told Pete he was going to a wake, and Pete offered to tag along. On the way Pete suggested a nipper or two and they both got well sloshed.
As a result Moke couldn’t remember the address of the wake.
“Where is your friend’s house?” Pete asked.
“I forget the street but I’m sure this is the number,” slurred Moke.
They had walked along for a few minutes when Moke squinted at a house that he thought was it.
They went down in front of the piano, knelt and prayed. So they staggered in but the hall was dark. They opened the door and discovered a living room, which was also dark except for the faint glimmer of candles sitting on the piano.
Pete stopped long enough to look at the piano. “Moke,” he said, ”I don’t know your friend, but he sure has a fine set of teeth.”

Russ received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletive were, to say the least, very rude.
Russ tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Russ put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet – not a sound for half a minute. Russ was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Russ’s extended arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am trully sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
Russ was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…. behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him… BUMP… BUMP…. BUMP…
The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him, faster…faster …BUMP… BUMP… BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through this door, with the lid of the coffin flapping…BUMP …BUMP …BUMP… on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himselft in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something anything…..
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin… and… of… course, … the coffin stops!

A psychiatrist saw another psychiatrist pushing down a sofa down the street.
“Why the couch?” he asked.
“House call.” came the reply.

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 9

There are people who spend their entire lives working with an attitude not unlike Snoopy, the cherished Peanuts cartoon pet. Snoopy sat droopy-eyed at the entrance of his dog house lamenting, ”Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. SIGH. There’s so little hope for advancement!”

“Hello. Are you using your lawn-mower this afternoon?
“Yes. I’m afraid I am.”
“Good! Then you wouldn’t be using your tennis racket, would you?” I’ve broken mine!”

Whiskey may not cure the flu…But it fails more agreeably than most things.

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old man a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explaination for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says. “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.” The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor. “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”

A lone cowpoke rode into town and stopped at the local waterin’ hole for a drink. The locals had a habit of picking on strangers and when finished his drink and headed out, his horse was missing....
He stormed back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, snatched it above his head without even looking and drilled three holes in the ceiling.
“Fess up! Which one of you sidewinders stole ma hoss?” he demanded with surprising forcefulness.
Silence…No one answered….No one moved….
“Alright, I’m gonna have another cold one here, and if ole Blue ain’t back out front BY THE TIME I’M DONE, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND BELIEVE ME, I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside and there was ole Blue! He swings up into the saddle and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks. “Say partner, before you go…I’ve got to know…what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy reined in, turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Before leaving for Club Scouts one evening. My friend’s son couldn’t find a clean handkerchief. His busy mother reminded him, “A good cub thinks for himself.” Her son dashed from the room and within minutes was saying good-bye.Some time later, going upstairs to her son’s bedroom, her mother made a startling discovery – a neat square had been cut out of the middle of the pillowcase.

Q: Where do you find a horse with no head?
A: Exactly where you left it.

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 8

A couple of salesmen walk into a dinner, order drinks and pull lunches from their briefcases. “Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t eat your own food here.”The guys look at each other, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

A young Canadian man stood before Beethoven’s piano in a Vienna museum. Presently he struck off a few discordant notes. “I suppose,” he said to the attendant, “that many noted musicians have inspected this instrument.”
“Oh, yes,” replied the man. “Recently Paderewski was here.”
“Paderewski!” exclaimed the visitor.” Certainly he must have played something wonderful.”
“On the contrary; he did not feel worthy to touch it.”

When she reached the office, Jontoro told her secretary, “Boy, did we throw a big party outside last night!”
“Really? Tell me, was that obnoxious pig neighbor of yours there?”
“Was he?” That was the big party we threw outside!”

Pete slipped and fell five stories. He awoke and found the doctor holding out a drink of water for him. “For God sake,” Pete exclaimed. “How far must a man fall before he gets a whiskey?”

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Friday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.
“For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom,” At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. “For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.”

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Something you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got to the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm….
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, do I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in……

The traveler was sneaking a half-gallon bottle across the Mexican border when U.S. Customs official searched him. Upon discovering the bottle, the official asked the man what it contained.
“It’s just holy water,” the traveler replied. “I took it from the shrine I visited.”
Doubting him, the inspector opened the bottle and took a sniff.
“This is tequila!” he shouted.
“Good heavens!” cried the traveler, looking up to the sky.
“Yet another miracle!”

Q: Why do chickens cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogpost.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 7

After a long-overdue checkup, a dentist sat down with his patient to go over all the work the patient would need on her mouth. Her total estimate was $20,000. The patient gasped. “For that kind of money, I could get a tummy tuck and silicone implants for my breasts.”
“But what about your smile?” the dentist asked.“If I had all that done, ”I told her,”I guarantee no one would be looking at my teeth.”

The story is told of a community-minded business person being honored for his contributions to the community. Grateful citizens gathered for a testimonial dinner to thank the man for his giving spirit. In introducing the well-respected man, the Chamber of Commerce President shared a long list of his accomplishments, including being president of a large manufacturing company, possessing several real estate holdings, having spearheaded a host of economic development projects, and an exhausting list of voluntary involvements.
“Your support is overwhelming.” Said the honored man when he began to speak. “Many of you are well aware of my accomplishments and that not one of them would have been possible without your help. For I came to this community with the clothes I was wearing and a paper bag containing all my worldly belongings.”
At the close of the speech, a young admirer asked, ”What was in the bag?”
“My million dollar inheritance,” came the reply.

Peter: Good evening, buddy. Thought I’d drop in and see you about the umbrella you borrowed from me last week.James: I’m sorry. I lent it to a friend of mine. Were you wanting it?
Peter: Well, not for myself, but the fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it.

Sammy was brought before the court, accused of peddling a bottle of liquor without a license.
“Look at this man,” his lawyer said to the jury. “Do you honestly think if he had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?”
The jury took one look and found him not guilty.

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road?”
The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, “Ma’am…that’s your air freshener.”

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said,” So what did you bring?”
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail.”
Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards, I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.”
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. “I brought these.”
The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…”

While calling a resort to reserve accommodations for a long weekend, I inquired about the rates. I was told that they varied, depending on whether I wanted a view of the mountain of a view of the lake. “How much of a difference is there between the two?” I asked. The voice on the other end replied, “Well, one’s hill and the other’s water.”

Q: Ever wonder why a cat always looks back when it walks down an alley?
A: Because it doesn’t have a rear view mirror.

Copyright 2007 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 6

Edmund arrived at the gates of heaven. ”I’m glad to be here, but I’m curious as to what hell looks like,” he said. “I’ll tell you what,” St. Peter said. “You can see hell before you enter.” He led Edmund to an elevator. “Ride to the very bottom. When the door opens, you’ll see hell, but don’t get out of the elevator.”

An hour later, the doors opened on a frozen wasteland. Peering through the blizzard, Edmund saw huge mountains of ice. Shivering, he pushed for the button for heaven.
“I thought hell would be fire and brimstone,” he said to St. Peter, “but all I saw snow and ice. Is it always like that?”
“I take it you haven’t read the scripts they gave you for The Chronicle of Narnia, have you?” said St. Peter. “The place has been turned into a world of eternal winter the evil White Witch, Jadis. Don’t you know that Aslan is still waiting for you and your three other siblings, Lucy, Susan and Peter, to get there and free it from the Witch’s glacial powers and turn it back to fire and brimstone?”

Gretchen Alexander refused to allow her blindness to limit her life experiences. She mastered archery, golf, softball, sailing, and water skiing as well as a number of other activities her sighted friends had yet to learn.
Speaking before a group of high school students about her achievements, one student asked if there was anything she wouldn’t try. “I’ve decided to never sky dive,” she answered. “It would scare the heck out of my dog.”

Jumbo says to his friend Jombu: “I notice your neighbor doesn’t let his chickens run loose anymore. Why is that?
Replies Jombu: “Well, I hid ten eggs under a bush the other night. Next day I made sure he saw me collect the eggs.

The man stood at the bar for hours telling the bartender about all his great exploits. “Now,” said the bartender, “supposing you tell me something you can’t do.”
“Well,” said the man. “For one thing – I can’t pay the bill.”

Two physicians boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you. “While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physicians picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?”

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Timothy proposed to me and hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

Grandpa was fond of long stories about his days as a war veteran and usually found attentive listeners. This time, however, the audience included his granddaughter’s boss, whom she was eager to impress.
“Mom, do something,” the granddaughter whispered frantically. “Go in there and head him off the pass.”

Q: What kind of a horse has its legs pointing upward?
A: A horse which lies on its back.

Copyright 2007 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://beome-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 5

Three old friends are taking a memory test. The doctor asked the first, “What’s one times one?” “972” he answers.
“Hm.” The doctor turns to the second man. “What’s one times one?”
“Friday,” he replies.
“What’s one times one?” the doc asks the last man.
“One,” he answers.
“Great,” the doctor says. “How did you get that?”
“Simple. I divided 972 from Friday.”

A bright junior executive struggled to achieve company quotas assigned to her. While at lunch one day, she asked her senior mentor how he managed the multiple priorities in his job.
“I learned a long time ago,” responded the seasoned veteran, “that there are basically three ways to get things done. You can do it yourself, get someone else to do it, or ask your children not to do it.”

A certain little lad was always playing in a neighbor’s backyard, much to the neighbor’s disgust. One day when the boy was again rushing around in the back yard making Red Indian war whoops, the neighbor leaned out of an upstairs window and angrily yelled. “Didn’t I tell you not to let me catch you there again?”
“Yes,” called the boy, “but you haven’t caught me once yet!”

“Do you expect the court to be lenient because you’ve been brought in on drunk and disorderly charges fifteen times?”
“Yes, Your Honor. I want to be treated like a steady and frequent customer.”

A man’s business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings. The man rolls over and answers….”Hello?” “What?” “How the hell should I know, I live in Las Vegas.”
He hangs up and his wife asks, “Who was it dear?”
“Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!”

When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure. In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

I had to make an urgent phone call to a friend who was working a late-shift at the Voice of America relay station near Bagdad, Iraq. In my haste, I misdialed and a voice answered sleepily “Hello.”
“Hello,” I said, “Is this the Voice of America?”
“No.” came the annoyed reply, “this is the voice of Abdul.”

Copyright 2007 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economomicslessons.blogspot.com