A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”
Ticket Seller: “You will have to pay for an adult ticket for your child, lady. He’s over twelve.”
Movie Goer: “How can he be over twelve when I’ve only been married for ten years?”
Ticket Seller: “I’m sorry ma’m, I just collect fares – not confessions.”
Recently U.S Tourism Board has advised Americans to take one week “Kangaroo and Crocodile Dundee English Course” before they visit
When someone says “What a good die to die maite!”, they are not wishing you to die. What they mean to say is “What a good day today sir!”
Name of days are pronounced as Mon-die, Tues-die, Wednes-die, Thurs-die, Fri-die, Satur-die, and Sun-die (instead of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday).
Once on a city tour, an American tourist (just bypassing) happen to mention the word Sunday and the tourist guide quickly pointing him to a nearby Dairy Queen when he can get some sundae!
On a summer vacation an American student works part-time in a supermarket and appointed as a supervisor. He says to his workers: “If you have any gripes bring them to me.” And the next day they brought him a bunch of grapes!
Frank got behind in his car payments and in an effort to shame him into paying the hire-purchase company wrote: “What would your neighbor think if we came and repossessed your car?”
He wrote back: “Dear Sirs, I took the matter up with my neighbors and they all reckon it would be a lousy trick.”
“You say you were drunk only once and it made a wreck of you?” asked the doctor.
“Yes,” said the patient. “I got married while I was drunk.”
Little Martha was Mommy’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Stumpy the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing…
“Martha, dear,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Stumpy’s place.”
“but, Mommy, I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Martha. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped right in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions….
Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, dividing the flames into two easily controllable parts.
Now the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm and crops had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
“That should be obvious,” he responded, “the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”
Driving home one day, my friend and I noticed a large sign pointing to an Open House. We decided to take a look. Inside we helped ourselves to wine and a buffet as other people look around. We both agreed that the house was cheap and badly designed, the kitchen was small, and the color scheme was dull. We mentioned to another couple that it was poky and dark, before going upstairs.
After looking in the bedroom closets, and criticizing the bathroom, we decided it was definitely not worth the asking price.
Halfway down the stairs, we froze in horror as someone came up the garden path holding a present. We suddenly realized that this was a house-warming party – the house for sale was next door!
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