A brawny professional wrestler was visiting his friend in a small town, and one night they stayed a little too long at the drinking hole. Not wanting to drive, they decided to walk home. As they were crossing a farmer’s field, a bull charged them. The wrestler grabbed the bull by the horns, and they went down in a roaring heap. Finally the bull jumped up and ran away.
“Wow,” said the friend, “that was quite a scuffle.”
“Yeah,” the wrestle replied, “and if I hadn’t had that last drink, I would have gotten that guy off his motorcycle!”
The age of some people, especially women, is like the speedometer on a used car – you know it’s set back but you don’t know how far.
A neighbor bumped into little Diana playing in the street well after dark.
“Hello, Diana,” said the neighbor. “Isn’t it time little girls were in bed?’
"I dunno,” said Diana. “I haven’t got any little girls.”
A nervous air hostess on a flight announced: “We don’t know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued. “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so that someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!”
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for a double-scotch on the rock right now!”
POOF! A double-scotch on the rock appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now feeling lighter on his feet, he states his second wish.
“I wish to be on an island where there are only beautiful women.”
POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
POOF! He’s back in his government office.
Fred and his wife Margie went to the State Fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Margie, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Margie would say, “I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs twenty bucks, twenty bucks is twenty bucks.”
This one year Fred and Margie went to the fair and Fred said,” Look Margie, for God sake, I’m 79 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Margie replied, “Fred, that there airplane ride costs twenty bucks, and twenty bucks is twenty bucks.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s twenty bucks each.”
Fred and Margie agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls, and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Margie fell out, but twenty bucks is twenty bucks.”
A tearful woman called a weight-reducing salon to moan that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn’t get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added,
“Don’t worry, Madam, we’ll have you wearing that dress in no time.”
“Dress?” the woman sobbed. “It’s a Porsche!”
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