When Tom returned home from playing golf with Alf, his wife asked, “Why don’t you play with Jerry anymore?”
“Would you play with someone who swears when he misses the hole, cheats with the score, throws his clubs and moves the ball?” asked Tom.
“I suppose I wouldn’t,” she replied.
“Neither will Jerry.”
A manufacturer said he was going to cut down on his advertising to save money. To which his salesperson replied: “You might as well stop your watch to save time.”
Several boys camping out in a back-garden, wanted to know the time, so they began singing at the top of their voices. Eventually a neighbor threw open his window and shouted down at them, “Hey! Shut your stupid mouth before I shut your ugly face! Don’t you know what the time is? It’s two o’clock in the morning!”
The pub beer wasn’t very good. “If this beer had a head on it,” said the dissatisfied customer, “it would hang it in shame!”
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left… then to the right… right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was still ahead!”
After twenty five years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
“He is never in the mood,” complained the Bride.
“Try a romantic candlelight dinner,” suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. “He’s still not in the mood,” she complained.
“This time,” the therapist recommended, “try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom.”
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final of advice, the therapist said, “You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance.”
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. “Thank you so much,” she said to the therapist. “Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of he lightening storm. And right there, in your backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time.”
“Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?” asked the therapist.
“Well,” said the Bride of Frankenstein, “I tied a kite to his vital organ!”
A man walked into a credit office to pay the final installment on a baby crib. “Thank you,” the manager said. “And how is the baby today?”
“Oh,” the man replied, “I’m fine.”
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