HUMOR AND WIT DAY 30

Two teenagers are arrested. The police officer tells them they are entitled to one phone call. Some time later a man enters the station and asks for them. “I suppose you’re their lawyer,” says the officer.
“No,” the man replies. “I’m here to deliver the pizza.”

There are three ways in which a man can wear his hair: parted, unparted, departed.

Tom: “My neighbor is mad because my dog knows how to fetch the evening paper.”
John :“Why would that make your neighbor angry?”
Tom: “I don’t subscribe to the paper.”

An old Scot, on his deathbed, called his best friend, Jock to his side.
Old Scot : “I bin saving a bottle of fine whiskey, and when I’m gone I want you to sprinkle it on my grave.”
Jock : Och Aye, but would ye mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?”

Mr. Jones was sued by Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true.
“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig “Mrs. Johnson” with no fear of legal action.
Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the woodshed, with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there was as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes………
Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

A group of ministers and a salesman’s organization were holding conventions in the same hotel, and the catering department had to work at top speed serving dinners to both. The salesmen were having a spiked watermelon for dessert. But the chef discovered that it was being served to the ministers by mistake.
“Quick!” he commanded a waiter. “Bring it back!”
The waiter returned, reporting that it was too late. The ministers were already eating the liquor-spiced treat.
“Do they like it?” asked the chef.
“Don’t know,” replied the waiter, “but they’re putting the seeds in their pockets.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 29

Twenty years after leaving school, a woman moved back to her hometown. Needing dental work done, she quickly found a dentist in the phone book. There had been a tall, handsome boy in her class by the same name, she remembered as she made her appointment.
That morning, she spent extra time on her hair and put on a new dress, hoping to impress her classmate. When she saw him, however, she dismissed the thought. This balding man with the paunch was too old to have graduated with her.
Nevertheless, on her way out, she asked, “Did you graduate from the local school?”
“Yes,” he replied. “Class of ’84,”
“You were in my class!” she said.
“Really? What did you teach?”

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, “Let’s get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place.”

Mr. Ursini stood on the bridge ready to jump. As he was poised on the brink of disaster. Father Callahan came to see him.
“My son, please come down from there. Nothing is worth dying for.”
“Is that so!” challenged Mr. Ursini, “My neighbor….remember when he ran off with my wife?”
“Yes,” said the priest, “but that was over a year ago. You’ve gotten over that.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Because.” Replied Mr. Ursini. “he called me this morning to say he’s bringing her back.”

Fred was having trouble with a drinking problem and swore that he would correct it with will-power. He had decided to walk straight past the pub without going in.
As he approached it he kept repeating to himself “You can do it. You can do it.”
The pressure was tough, but Fred persevered. Right past he went.
Fifty meters past and he congratulated himself, “I knew you could do it. You were great. Let’s go back and I’ll buy you a drink.”

As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “George, honey, I just heard on the news that there’s some maniac in a car going the wrong way on 95…. Please be careful!”
“Heck, Louise,” said George, “It’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!”

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the policy at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch. Shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I came home to find all my possession stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

Being questioned for jury duty in a small town, a little old lady was asked if she knew the defense lawyer.
“Yes,” she snapped. “He’s a crook.”
“And the plaintiff’s lawyer?”
“Yes – he’s a crook too!”
The judge promptly called both lawyers to the bench and whispered, “If you ask her if she knows me, I’ll fine you both for contempt of court.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 28

Henry was placed in front of the firing squad, and just before the order to shoot was given, he yelled out, “Earthquake!” Everyone panicked. In the confusion, Henry jumped over the wall and escaped.
Charlie was next, and while the squad reassembled, he pondered what Henry had done. Before they could shoot, he shouted, “Tornado!” Again, the squad scattered and Charlie slipped away to safety.
Last in line was George. He thought, I see the pattern here. Just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles and took aim, George grinned smugly and yelled, “Fire!”

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery recently. Suddenly on contemporary painting caught her eye.
“What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.”
“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”

The farmer met his kin at the railroad station. “Uncle, I’m mighty glad to see you,” he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take ‘em out and they ran all over the place. I chase ‘em through my neighbor’s yard and only got back eleven.”
“You did okay,” said uncle. “I only sent you six.”

A man who celebrated a little too much one night woke up in the hospital the next day and saw his best friend sitting beside his bed.
“What happened?” he asked.
“Well,” began the friend, “it was like this. Last night you had quite a lot to drink, you walked over to the window, stepped over the sill, and announced you were going to fly around the town.”
“And you didn’t try to stop me?” screamed the patient. “What kind of a friend are you?”
“What are you screaming about? Last night I thought you could do it!”

In the middle of a forest there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, “My God! Please give this bear some religion!”
Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, “My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive….”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

Our family was touring a historic mansion, where the guide was especially enthusiastic about its many charms. “This house is over a hundred years old,” she commented proudly,” and not a post or a beam in it has been repaired.”
A visitor spoke up, “I’m sure we’ve got the same landlord.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 27

Ten men and one woman are hanging on to a rope that extends down from a helicopter. The weight of 11 people is too much for the rope, so the group decides one person has to jump off.
No-one can decide who should go, until finally the woman volunteers. She gives a touching speech, saying she will sacrifice her life to save them, because women are used to giving up things for their husbands and children.
When she finishes speaking….all the men start clapping.

Two girls at the beach were admiring the passing scene, which included an athletic chap, who was strutting his best.
“That’s my kind,” said one.
“Well, I don’t know,” the other replied. “I had a friend who married a man who owned a two-car garage, but he just keeps a bicycle in it.”

The apartment was vacant but the landlord was very fussy about who it was rented to. One day a young chap appeared.
“Any children, radios, phonographs, cat, dogs or pets or any kind?” asked the landlord.
“No.” the young man answered. “But I think I ought to tell you I have a fountain pen that scratches a little.”

The lush staggered into the bar and asked for a jigger of whiskey an a jigger of water. While the mystified bartender watched, the drunk reached into his vest pocket and produced a worm, which he dropped into the jigger of water. The worm swam contentedly around in the water.
Then the lush took the worm out of the water and dropped it into the jigger of whiskey. Instantly, the worm began to wriggle frantically and in a few short moments it was dead.
“There!” roared the drunk triumphantly. “Did you see that? It proves what I always thought - drink whiskey and you’ll never have worms!”

An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. “What are you doing?” the visitor asked.
The sick lawyer replied, “Looking for loopholes.”

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep.
Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who created the Universe?” The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, “My God!”
The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, “And who died on the cross for you?” She pokes her husband and he screams, “Jesus Christ!”
The third time, the preacher asks, “And what did Eve say to Adam the second time she was pregnant?”
The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, “By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it OFF!”

When a woman stopped at the liquor store to buy some champagne for a wedding gift, the clerk asked to see her ID. “But I’m twenty-nine years old,” she protested. “I can show you pictures of my three sons to prove it.”
Unimpressed, the clerk replied:” I don’t give a damn if you’re 290 years old or how many sons, grandsons, and great grandsons and great great grandsons you have lady! Let’s show some ID, shall we? How about a driver’s license?”
Rummaging through her purse, she took out rubber worms, a matchbox car, a set of baby keys, an old sock, a smashed pack of bubble gum and a ball. But she couldn’t find her license.
“Forget it,” the clerk said suddenly. “Only a mother or a grandmother would have that kind of collection in her purse.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 26

A bill from his lawyer arrived on Tom’s doorstep one morning. It read: ”For crossing the road to discuss your case: $45. For the re-crossing the road on discovering it wasn’t you: $45.”

A lady, traveling in a group determined to outdo one another in their search for antiques, one day called upon the leader and excitedly remarked: ”I cam across something marvelous. An archaeologist friend sent me the very cup from which Socrates drank the hemlock.”
“Are you sure it’s authentic?” gasped the pace-setter.
“Authentic?” repeated the woman. “Why when they dug it up it was marked 350 B.C.”

On the eve of his transfer to Rome, the Irish priest paid a visit to the Kellys who had been childless for six years, promising to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
Thirteen years later, he returned to Ireland, dropped in on the Kellys and found nine children romping round the house.
Congratulating Mrs. Kelly on her fruitfulness, the priest looked around and asked, “But where is Mr. Kelly?”
“Sean?” the haggard woman said. “Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle.”

Megan, a beautiful woman is working her first night and two male customers on at either end of the bar, keep asking her to go out. Megan wants nothing to do with either one of them. Towards the end of the night one guy slips her a piece of paper with his address written on it and his house key. She takes the paper and the key and whispers to the guy, “Get into bed, turn out all the lights, and I’ll be there at midnight.”
Then she goes to the other end of the bar and hands the paper and the key to the other guy and says, “Meet me here at midnight. I’ll be in bed with the lights out.”

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with “the boys.” He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he’d “be home by midnight….promise!”
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she’d probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, “12 o’clock, dear!” Whew! Got away with that one!
“Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock,” she says over her morning coffee.
“Why is that?” the husband asks.
“Well, it cuckooed three times, said “shoot”, cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled.”

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. “Excuse me sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?”
“Ah, that’s a beautiful piece,” the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.”
“My God!” the man exclaimed. “That’s a lot of money!”
“Yes, but a diamond is forever.”
“Perhaps,” the gentleman replied, “But my marriage won’t last that long!”

A gangster rushed into a saloon, shooting right and left, yelling, “All you dirty skunks get outta here!”
The customers fled – except for an Englishman, who stood at the bar calmly finishing his drink. “Well?” snapped the gangster, waving his gun.
“Well,” said the Englishman, “there certainly were a lot of them, weren’t they?”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 25

Two men were talking about hiring staff. “I’m a baker,” said one. “When I hire somebody, I let them eat as much as they want for the first couple of weeks. After a while, they are so sick of cakes, they couldn’t eat one even if they tried.”
“It’s a bit more complicated for me said the other man. “I’m a banker.”

The lady was trying to impress those at the party. “My family’s ancestry is very old,” she said. “It dates back to the days of King John of England.” Then turning to a lady sitting quietly in a corner she asked condescendingly: ”How old is your family, my dear?”
“Well,” said the woman with a quiet smile, “I can’t really say. All our family records were lost in the Flood.”

A simple-minded chap was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, “Hello, Jimmy, where are you going with that table?”
And Jimmy replied, “I am taking it to the drapers shop to have it measured for a new tablecloth.”

Pete orders a glass of whiskey. He takes a sip of his drink and spits it out. “This stuff is terrible,” he says to the bartender.
“I don’t know what you are complaining about,” says the bartender. “You only got a shot. I’ve got twenty cases of the stuff.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, “Olga! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
The other lady replied: ”Relax, nobody is going to get killed, ok? Must I always remind you that this is Russia? Red always means “go” and green always means “stop”, you fool!”

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
FBI: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello, is this FBI?”
FBI: “Yes. What do you want?”
Caller: “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”
FBI: “This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
“Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Sure they did.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into a movie, once into the baseball park and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 24

Holidaying in Arizona, a group of tourists spotted a cowboy lying by the side of the road with his ear pressed to the ground.
“What’s going on?” they asked the man.
“Two horses – one chestnut, one grey – are pulling a wagon with two men,” he said. “One man is wearing a red shirt, the other a black shirt. They’re heading east.”
“Wow!” said one tourist. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“No!” he replied, “They just ran over me.”

Q: “How do you keep a fool in suspense?”
A: “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

Q: “What’s the heaviest thing in the world?”
A: “Sh__, even Samson drops it!”

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Aaron “I challenged Larry to a duel. And you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair”
“I know, but I never thought he’d he’d choose his sister!”

Joe has a drink in a bar and leaves the waitress a tip of three dimes. The next night he comes in again and the waitress says to him, “I can tell your fortune by the tip you left last night.”
“Really?” says Joe. “Tell me.”
“All three dimes were in a row, which shows you are neat,” says the waitress. “And the first dime shows you are thrifty. The second dime shows that you are a bachelor,”
“What does the third dime show?” asks Joe.
“That dime shows that your father was a bachelor, too.”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture!”

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled: “Hey Juan!” …… A soldier jumped up and replied “What?” The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out: “Hey, John!”
An American replied: “John isn’t here…… is that you Juan?” The Mexican general stood up, “Yeah?!”…….

The self-made tycoon was bragging about the secret of his success. “I’ve always had the theory that salary is the least important part of the job,” he said. “Doing things wholeheartedly to the peak of your ability brings you greater satisfaction than money.”
“And you became rich after you convinced yourself that this was true?” asked the reporter.
“No. After I convinced the people who worked for me.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 23

Browsing in a pet shop, a man sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string attached to its right leg. He asks the shop owner about the bird.
“This is a highly trained parrot,” the owner explains. “If you pull the red string, he speaks Russian, Cuban, North Korean, Vietnamese and all other languages spoken in communist countries. If you pull the green string he speaks English, Italian, Spanish, French and all other languages spoken in non-communist countries.”
“What happens if I pull both at once?” the man asks.
“I fall of my perch you fool!” screeches the parrot.

Sir Winston Churchill, whose fondness for drink was well known, was scheduled to make a speech before a small gathering.
The chairperson introduced him by saying:” If all the spirits consumed by Sir Winston were poured into this room, it would reach up to here on the wall.” He drew a line with his finger at about level with his eyes.
Churchill got up to speak. He glanced at the imaginary line on the wall. He looked up at the ceiling, and made a mathematical calculation with his fingers. Then he sighed and said, “Ah, so much to be done, and so little time in which to do it.”

A farmer gave his neighbor a lift into town. His truck was old and almost spring less and the country roads were very rough, so there was a lot of bouncing. As they finally stopped at their destination, the neighbor said, “Thanks for breaking all my bones mate, I hope someday I’ll be able to recuperate.”

A stranger in a pub orders a scotch on the rocks. After a few minutes, he starts argument with one of the regular customers. The bartender takes the man by the elbow and shows him the door.
“Sorry, sir, but I run a respectable establishment. Don’t ever come in here again!”
A few minutes later the man wanders in again, walks up to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender eyes him coldly and says, “You must have a double!”
The man says, “Yeah, make it a scotch.”

“Your honor,” a defense attorney began, “I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred.”
The Judge looked at the defense table and said, “This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies.”
The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, “Your honor, you must be mistaken. I’ve never been here in my life.”
Waving his finger, the judge replied, “I was referring to your lawyer.”

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack – and died.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ”Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – two with sausages and meatballs, two without.”

As a pop guitarist living in a small apartment, I was rehearsing one night when I heard my new next-door neighbor rapidly pounding on the wall. I turned down my amplifier, but still the pounding continued. Hoping to establish a friendly relationship, I stopped playing, walked over to her door and rang the bell so I could apologize.
“Oh, I’m so very sorry,” she said, looking frazzled as she opened her door and saw me standing there, “I only have one more picture to hang.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

_­

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 22

A man went to visit his doctor. “What’s your problem?” asked the physician.
“When I touch my leg, it hurts,” explained the man. “ And when I touch my arm and my head, it’s really painful too.”
“I see,” said the doctor. “I think you have a broken finger.”

A white-haired old man approached his doctor and said: “Doctor, I’m slowly going nuts over women. Is there any way to speed it up?”
“What’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “If speed is all you want, just step on it my man.”

At the Woodland Hills home of Adam Hoffman, the connoisseur cat collector, a small boy’s head appeared over the fence.
“Eh, Adam,” said the boy in a meek voice, “could I please have my arrow back?”
“Sure,” said Hoffman, “where is it?”
“I think,” said the youngster, “it’s in one of your cats.”

A man was fumbling at his keyhole in the wee hours of the morning. A policeman saw the difficulty and came to the rescue.
“Can I help you to find the keyhole, sir?” he asked.
“Thash all right, old man,” said the man cheerily, “you just hold the house still and I can manage.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to “love, honor and obey’ and “forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,” I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks at the young man in the eyes and says:
“Will you promise to prostate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here , I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

A commercial flight was experiencing considerable turbulence. One first-time traveler began praying, “Lord,” he said, “I’m a rich man. If you just let this plane land safely, I’ll give you half of everything I own.”
The plane landed, and this gentleman was the first one off. In the terminal, a preacher tapped him on the shoulder. “Sir,” he said, “I was on that plane with you, and I heard your prayer. Well, I’m a man of cloth, and I’m here to collect.”
“I made the Lord a better offer,” the rich man said. “I told him if He ever catches me on a plane again, He can have it all.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 21

A junior partner in a low firm called his staff in for a meeting. “I have good news and bad news,” he said, grinning. “Which do you want first?” The staff groaned, agreed they’d better get the bad news first. “Okay,” said the junior partner, “we are going to downsize. Half of you won’t be here tomorrow. And the others may stay at a substantial reduction in salary.”
The staff stood in horrified shock. Finally, one asked in a trembling voice,
“What’s the good news?”
The boss beamed. “Half of you will still be here and I’ve been made a full partner!”

You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

Rosa and Rickey had been married only three months when she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. The proud grandmother was stopped on the street one day by one of her neighbors.
“Hey, I see your Rosa just had a baby after married only three months smirked and scoffed the neighbor.
“Are you surprised?” asked the new grandmother. “My Rosa is such an innocent girl, how would she know how long to carry a baby?”

A little man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer. He’s sitting there drinking his beer, minding his own business. Next to him sits a huge guy. All of a sudden the great big guy turns to him and, just whacks, knocks the little guy off the bar stool, across the floor, up against the wall.
The little fellow doesn’t know what hit him. He picks himself up and walks over to the bar stool and sits down. He turns to the big guy and says, “What on earth was that for?” The big guy says, “That was my karate, from Korea.”
The little fellow thinks, well this guy’s wacko. I’m going to finish my beer and get out of here. But all of a sudden the big guy turns on him again and, bang knocks the little fellow off the bar stool, across the floor, up against the wall.
The little fellow doesn’t know what hit him. He picks himself up and figures: This guy is definitely wacko. I’m going to finish my beer and get out of here.
“What was that for?” he asks. “That was my judo from Japan,” replies the brute.
The little fellow thinks, well, it’s time to exit. So he leaves.
About a half-hour later the little fellow peeks his head in the bar and the big guy is still sitting there. So he tiptoes up behind him and just goes wham!
The big fellow is down and out cold.
The bartender walks up to see what’s going on, and the little fellow looks at the bartender and says, “When that hulk comes to, you tell him that was my crowbar from K-Mart.”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said:” I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said:” I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said:” You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks…..
“Milton,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”
“And my dearest, Donald,” she said, “the chicken was delicious!”

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable.” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

To make ends meet, a woman decides to have a career outside the home. As a single parent juggling her responsibilities is not always easy. Her mother is helping by baby-sitting her 4-year old son, Tom, at her house one day.
When she stops to pick him up after work, her mom tells her that Tom has followed her into the bedroom as she put some things away in the closet.
“Grandma,” he asks, “what room is this?”
“This is a closet, Tom,” she replies.
“We don’t have a room like this in our house,” he says.
“Of course you do,” his grandma insists. “You have lots of closets at your home.”
When he again denies having closets at his house, grandma tries another tack.
“Where do you keep all your clothes?” grandma asks?”
“Well, they are just all over the house grandma,” replies Tom, “ some under the bed, some on the floor, some on my bed, some in the bathroom, some in the living room, some in the dinning room, some on the door, some on top of the cupboard, some hanging on the wall, some on the window sill, some even in our oven and fridge.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 20

A civil servant was hiking when he came upon a shepherd tending a large flock. The official took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd, “If I can guess how many there are, may I have one?” The shepherd thought it unlikely the man would guess the exact number so he agreed.
The public servant guessed, “You have 359 sheep.” The shepherd was astonished, since this was exactly right.
“Can I pick out my sheep now?” asked the bureaucrat. The shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. Selecting one, the civil servant slung it over his shoulders to carry home.
The shepherd got an idea. “If I guess your occupation,” he said, “may I have my sheep back?” The bureaucrat was surprised, but figured there was little chance of the shepherd guessing correctly, so he went along. “You’re a bureaucrat,” announced the shepherd.
Amazed, the public servant asked, “How did you know?”
The shepherd replied, “Put the dog down and we’ll talk about it.”

Ronald Reagan was 69 years old when he ran for President in 1980. Despite continual criticism, he won the election and never passed up an opportunity to use humor when referring to his age.
Reagan delighted audiences with comments about his age. On one occasion, he said, “And I want to say that I don’t mind at all any of the jokes or remarks about my age, because Thomas Jefferson made a comment about the Presidency and age.
He said that one should not worry about one’s exact chronological age in reference to his ability to perform one’s task. And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”
Perhaps one of the most memorable events concerning his age occurred during a televised debate between Ronald Reagan and Walter Mondale in 1984 Presidential Campaign.
Reagan was sure the issue of age had been put to rest during his four years of Presidency. However, a reporter surfaced the issue by asking Reagan if he was too old to serve another term.
Reagan was prepared and responded in such a way as to quiet even his greatest critics. “I’m not going to inject the issue of age into this campaign,” Reagan began, “I am not going to exploit for political gain my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”

He was a young father, wheeling the pram through the gardens while the baby was screaming its head off. “Take it easy Jason,” he said calmly, “there’s nothing to fuss about.”
A middle-aged woman noticed his soothing manner and marveled at the new breed of young husbands.
When the baby screamed even louder she heard him say, “Cool it, Jason, don’t get excited lad, cool it soon.”
Touched by his gentle manner the woman leaned into the pram and cooed.
“There, there, Jason. What’s bothering you?”
“Excuse me, lady,” said the father, “that’s Jeremy. I’m Jason.”

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men at the bar asked him what happened.
“I did a horrible thing,” sobbed out the drunk. “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of scotch.”
“That is awful,” said the other guy, “and now she’s gone and you want her back, right?”
“Right,” said the drunk, still crying.
“You’re sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love her, right?”
“Oh, no,” said the drunk. “I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready….
We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back…..”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, Two days later….St. Peter got a call. “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll go it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a carton of beer.
Charlie says,”Where did you get that, Bill?”
“Steve’s wife gave it to me.”
“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer.”
Bill says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Steve’s widow.”
She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”
And I said, “Wanna bet me a carton of beer?”

A man played golf every Saturday and always got home around two in the afternoon. One Saturday, however, he rushed in at 7:30 p.m. and blurted to his wife, “I left the course at the normal time, but on the way home I stopped to change a flat tire for a young woman. She offered to buy me a drink, one thing led to another, and we spent the entire afternoon in a motel. I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again.”
“Don’t hand me that hogwash,” the angry wife shouted.
“You played 36 holes, didn’t you?”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslesssons.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 19

Judge : “Defendant, did the burglary take place the way the prosecuting attorney described it?”
Defendant : “No, it didn’t, but his plan isn’t bad either. Its execution needs a bit of improvisation though!”

An elderly man when passing a building in the outskirt of a town, noticed a sign which read: “Home for Incurable Children.” To an accompanying friend, he remarked, “They’ll get me in there some day.”

Dad : “But why did you drop your baby brother on the floor?”
Daughter : “Well, the neighbor said he was a bonny bouncing baby and I wanted to see if he really did bounce.”

A precocious ten-year-old walked into a bar and yelled to the waitress to bring him a scotch on the rocks.
“What do you want to do?” asked the waitress. “Get me in trouble?”
“Maybe later,” replied the ten-year-old, “but right now I’d like that drink.”

Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A team of Irishmen, a group of Italians, and a final team composed of Blondes.
Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the project supervisor decided to assign each group to a different part of the line, and then see which team set the most poles.
The first task was to set the poles. The supervisor sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to burry the most poles today, would receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the supervisor that his team had set 48 poles. The supervisor was delighted. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Irishmen and the Blondes had done….
Next to report was the foreman of the Irishmen that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the supervisor was thrilled. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Irishman to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported that her team had set two poles for the day.
“What! Just, two!” exclaimed the supervisor. “Your team is way behind the Italians and the Irishmen!”
“It may be true that they buried more poles than us,” replied the Blonde. “But you should see how much of the poles those bozos left sticking out of the ground!”

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be an orgy here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

A family consisted of five active children, ages 10 to 19, when a new-born son, Nathan, arrived. It was a real challenge keeping the kids and their friends quiet during the baby’s naptime. That is until the husband posted: “Nathan’s sleeping! You wake him – you take care of him for the next seven days!”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://economicslesson.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 18

A jungle witch doctor was called to treat a man with a high fever. He made a medicine with the eye of a toad, the liver of a snake, the heart of a rat, six black beetles and half a cockroach, all mixed together with slime from the local river.
The next day he went to see his patient and found him no better. “Oh dear,” said the witch doctor. “May be you had better try a couple of panadols.”

“Your name, please?” asked the registration officer.
“Waltzing Matilda,” answered the woman.
“And your age?” he pursued.
“Have the Misses Wood next door, given you their ages?” she asked, hesitantly.
“No,” said the officer.
“Well, then, I’m the same age as they.”
“That will do,” said the officer. Then, proceeding to fill out the form, he wrote,
“Waltzing Matilda, as old as the Woods.”

Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs Bronze said to her son. “Tommy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs Falkland is?”
A few minutes later, Tommy returned.
“Well,” asked Mrs Bronze, “is she all right?”
“She’s fine, except that she’s pissed at you.”
“At me?” Mrs Bronze exclaimed. “Whatever for?”
“She said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

“I’m against liquor. That was the cause of my father’s death.”
“Drank too much?”
“No. A case fell on his head.”

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishing pole. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and moseys on over to the register. There is a K-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir… can you tell me anything about this here fishing pole?”
He says, “Ma’am I’m blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. Then he said, “Well that there’s a 5’ graphite composite rod. Has a Maxor 202 reel with 12 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s yours for just $20 bucks.”
“That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. Sounds like what I’m looking for, so I’ll take it,” she says.
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind rather loudly…
Embarrassed at first, but then realizing that there is no way in the world he could tell it was she… being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, “Well mam, “That’ll be $25.50.”
She protests, “But you said it was $20 bucks?”
He says, “Yes ma’am, that there rod and reel is $20 bucks, sure ‘nuff… and the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is our blue light special this hour, just $2.50!”

A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding. The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.
While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 13 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act, and he is a juggler.
The patrolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two on the side of the road. One of the men looks to the other man and says, “Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are tough!”

The photographer had been trying for hours to get some action shots of a bear who preferred to sleep in his cage. “What kind of bear is that?” he finally asked the zoo keeper. “Himalayan,” was the reply.
“I know that,” snarled the photographer. “What I want to know is when he is getting up.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com

HUMOR AND WIT DAY 17

Did you hear about the freighter bound for San Diego with a cargo of yo-yos that got caught in a violent Pacific Storm? It sank 62 times.

A pretty girl came to a roulette table at Las Vegas with a $100 bill and explained to a group of admires that she could not decide which number to bet on.
“Why don’t you play it on your age?” one of the men suggested.
“That’s a good idea – I’ll do it,” the girl said, and she placed the $100 bill on 21.
The wheel spun and finally came to a stop at 29.
“Oh, no!” the girl gasped and fell to the floor in a faint.

“So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?”
“Yes – their dog is our dog’s sister-in-law and their squirrel is our squirrel’s brother-in-law.”

The year was 1910. Ceasar walked into a San Francisco saloon and sat away at the end of the bar. As the bartender approached, Ceasar lisped, “S-s-s-s-scotch on the rocks –s-s-s-s-!”
“Listen mister,” raged the bartender, “we don’t serve your kind in this place.”
Ceasar simply crossed his legs and glared at the bartender. At the precise moment the earthquake hit. A chandelier dropped from the ceiling. Bottles fell behind the bar. People began screaming and running out. There was complete chaos. When the earthquake stopped the bartender stood frozen in shock.
He looked across the bar and Ceasar was still sitting there glaring at him. Ceasar lisped, “Now are you gonna serve me that s-s-s-scotch or shall I do it again?

Judge : Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror : I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge : Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror : Oh yes, your honor, but I don’t want them to know it.

Mr. Frogfled, the biology instructor at a very classy and exclusive suburban girl’s school, inquired during class, “Miss Hanson, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Whereupon, Miss Hanson inhaled sharply, then said coldly. “ Mr. Frogfled, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. Furthermore, I assure you my parents will hear of this.”
With that, young Miss Hanson sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Frogfled, amidst not a few mockers, called on Miss Purvine, asking the same question. Miss Purvine, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, sir; in dim light.”
“Precisely,” said Mr. Frogfled, smiling his approval.
“And now, Miss Hanson, I have three things to say to you. Firstly, you have not studied your assignment. Secondly, you have a dirty mind. And thirdly, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

During a yard sale, a couple were complaining to a customer that they couldn’t seem to sell out accumulated junk at any price and would like to just give it away. The woman, an experienced garage-sale, offered a solution to their problem which did the trick. She told them to make a sign : “Kleptomaniacs are welcome - Shoplifting Encouraged.”

Copyright 2008 by Sujanto Rusli
http://humorandwit.blogspot.com
http://become-debt-free.blogspot.com
http://economicslessons.blogspot.com